Your Why + Your Will = Your Success
When I was in the thick of withdrawal from opiate pain pill addiction, there was one thing that kept going through my mind. YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS.
If you have never been through any kind of withdrawal, I’m here to tell you, it’s literally hell on earth. I’ve pushed two children out of me, which is the most unbearable pain you can imagine….and it has nothing on withdrawal. Withdrawal is more than just physical pain. It’s a total and complete mind fuck.
You think you have problems controlling your thoughts now? Try battling those thoughts moment after moment after moment just to survive. Thoughts that include, you are going to feel this way your whole life, you will never get past this, you will be an addict your whole life, you are completely fucked up, there are literally bugs crawling inside your body right now, all you have to do is take one little piece to make this all stop, why don’t you just find a gun and put it to your head and then it can all go away.
But along with the mind fuck, the sensations in your body are indescribable. Your shaky, sick to your stomach, hot, cold, you can’t breathe, it feels like constant electrical pulses on top of all of your skin and a million bugs crawling on the inside of your skin. It feels like your body is going to explode and then implode and at times you wish it would.
I would try and distract myself with a movie, deep breathing, meditation. It was a joke. There was NOTHING that was going to get me out of this. I would try and feel the sensations deeper thinking that would make it go away. But I also did it as a reminder. To never forget what I was going through….and how it would feel to get to the other side.
For some reason I have always had the belief that if you can just make it through the night, things are always better in the morning. Well, I don’t know if I felt any better that next morning, but I made it through the night without putting a bullet through my brain. And more importantly, without taking any pills.
I remember texting my friend at one point the next day, getting close to my desperation point, telling her I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out, that I felt weaker by the second. I will never forget what she told me. Something I still tell myself to this day. She said, “You are wrong my dear….you are actually getting stronger with every second that passes.”
She was right. I was getting stronger by the moment. See, I had the pills in my purse the whole time. I could have ended the withdrawal at any time. But you want to know why I didn’t? Would I couldn’t? Because of my why and my will.
I talk about the withdrawal as an example of how those two things together can move mountains. Most people told me I wouldn’t be able to just cold turkey myself after a ten year addiction to pain pills. That the withdrawal would last for months and I would have all kinds of crazy side effects. That I should just slowly wean myself off to “be safe”.
But my why was bigger than that. And my will would get me there.
I knew that if I wanted to become the person I was supposed to be, the person I was put on this planet to be, there was no way she could be birthed with this part of her holding on. My vision for my life was big. And the shame of being an addict was no longer going to rule my life. I was going to get through it, whatever it took, so I could help millions of others that felt stuck, scared, and desperate. So that I could help show them the way out of all of those things. So that I could change the world. And that person was not addicted to pain pills. She was fearless and didn’t let anything stand in her way.
That was two years ago. I’ve not had a moment since then where I have felt the need to take a pill. The thing that still holds my feet to the fire to this day, is my why. I have always had a massive amount of willpower. Some could say I’m stubborn, but I like to call myself driven J But the point is, you can have will power and that may get you to a certain point. But if you don’t have a why, you will never be truly fulfilled. You can work out every day, eat the healthiest foods, write hundreds of books, or get up at the same time every morning. But if you don’t have a why, none of those things will make a difference. True success is having your why, your own personal deeper purpose, and then the will power to make it happen.
I’m not saying in any way that this is what all people need to do to stop their addiction. In fact, I’ve asked myself so many times, how in the hell did I get through that? But I truly believe that thoughts are things and they are what create your experience on this earth. So my belief in myself and my bigger vision allowed me to do what many said I couldn’t.
I remember telling myself a few days after getting through the worst of it that if I could make it through that, I could make it through anything. That I would be absolutely fearless in my life and that I would never forget those moments. Well, while I still have fears that hold me back and things I am always working through, I am pretty damn fearless in my pursuit to change the world. And what better why can you have than that…
“Breathing is the first act of life and the last. Our very life depends on it. Since we cannot live without breathing, it is tragically deplorable to contemplate the millions and millions who have never mastered the art of correct breathing.” -Joseph Pilates
Let’s talk about this for a minute and break it down. How does it affect us? How does it affect our lives? What does it even mean?
Well, I like to keep things simple, so here is an easy explanation. You know those days that you feel crappy, pissy, moody, as though nothing can go your way? I’m sure you have heard the phrase, when it rains it pours. You know how when you are feeling that way it seems like the world is against you? Or let’s look at the opposite end of that. Think about the days that you wake up feeling unbelievable, as though nothing can touch you. “Good luck” seems to pour down from the heavens above you. It’s as though everything you touch turns to gold. That the world is for you.
But what if you looked at those situations and instead of giving your power away to some “outside forces”, what if you realized and took full responsibility for your own energy. Your own frequency. What if I told you there are no outside forces beyond your own? And your connection to a bigger part of you. I think most who read my blog would tend to agree with this and understand it on an intellectual level. You create your reality, right?
But what I see all too often is people understanding this, but not really fully comprehending how it affects every second of their lives. Or worse yet, not applying it.
We can all agree that where your attention goes, your energy flows. Meaning wherever your frequency is, at any given moment, dictates what you “see” in your outside world. It can be as simple as wanting a white Chevy pickup and seeing them everywhere you go, to having the perfect partner show up in your life, to your bank account showing millions.
What I am trying to say is that if you aren’t aware in every moment where your frequency or energy is, how do you expect what you “want” to show up in your life?
If you think about the two examples I gave in the beginning, you can see how very opposite those two frequencies are. One creates stress, anger, powerlessness, disease, unhappiness. The other creates joy, happiness, health, wholeness, things showing up out of the blue. See, you think you can’t control your emotions most of the time or that things happen TO YOU. But if you were to really realize the power you hold inside of you to literally create your reality, I bet you would be checking in with yourself more often.
So, let’s look at this in a real time example. Say you had started your day off with a great meditation or work-out or journaling session or whatever you do in the mornings that make you feel full. And because you did, you start your day off at a high frequency. You are feeling empowered, full of a future vision of the day and your life. Seeing all the possibilities the future holds and what you want to create in your life. But then all of a sudden you get a phone call from your boss, who you don’t get along with, that sucks you back down. Or you open your mail and see a bill for the exact amount you have in your savings that you have been working on building for the last couple of months. Or you go to the doctor and he tells you your cancer has progressed. THIS is your moment of reckoning. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where it actually matters to know where your frequency is, and most importantly, how to change it. But you can’t change it if you aren’t aware of it. So your first decision is if you want to give your power away. If you want to let the “outside world” determine how you feel and what your internal world looks like. If you choose not to allow your energy to be taken away, you then have a second step…keeping your frequency elevated. And you know what your number one tool for being able to do that is? Your.Own.Breath. That’s right. You can actually use your breath to keep yourself in a higher frequency, in a higher state. To keep your energy up regardless of what is happening around you! To become extremely present. Most people don’t even realize that the number 8 element on the periodic table is actually their best tool in creating health, wealth, happiness, and joy!
Now, I could go into all of the details of how breathing consciously and intentionally allows you to enter your parasympathetic nervous system, turning off fight or flight, moving oxygen rich blood and cells throughout your entire body stimulating rest and digest along with some powerful self-healing. But I don’t want you to get bogged down with the details (you can work with me one on one for that:-) ). I just want you to take a moment and realize how powerful your own breath is.
Think about most modalities that are taught in life. Lamaze classes. Breathing to stay on top of pain. Martial arts. Breathing to stay focused. Meditation. Breathing to connect. Almost all healing modalities as well as spiritual traditions focus on some aspect of using your own breath. And the best part? Breath work is twofold. It is amazingly powerful in releasing stored energy, old emotions and subconscious beliefs, so you can direct your life in a conscious way. But it’s just as effective for regulating day to day. Just taking a minute every couple hours throughout the day to consciously breathe, big, deep, slow breaths, filling your body with oxygen, can change your entire frequency….which can change your entire life. Instead of taking a xanax to deal with anxiety or a sleeping pill just to get some rest, you can literally use your own supply of oxygen to get the same result. I know because I have seen it over and over again.
Now how does this go back to energy and frequency? If you are spending more hours of your day in a conscious and aware state, appreciating everything around you, feeling joy for the simple things, I can guarantee you, your frequency and energy will bring everything you desire. Because when you are in that state, you don’t need anything anyway. And what is the number one tool you have, that is free, that there is no lack of, that can change your energy in a matter of minutes? I think you know the answer to that by now.
So take a few minutes today to really breathe. Focus on your heart and take every breath in and out of it. Prove to yourself once and for all, how powerful you really are…
After watching the Brene Brown special on Netflix recently (for the fourth time) I have been forced to think about vulnerability and courage in my own life. Two words she talks about in length. Some may think they are opposite ends of the spectrum, but after allowing yourself to move fully into either one of those, you will quickly find that it is impossible to have one without the other. Those two things are so intertwined that they cannot be separated.
Something came up recently that brought those two words to the forefront…..what if we just all did those hard things. What if we just went for it and had those hard conversations. Maybe it’s the conversation with your partner about how alone you feel. Maybe it’s with a friend that you just know isn’t good for you anymore. Maybe it’s that you need to leave a marriage you knew you should have left years ago. Maybe it’s with your boss about how miserable you are at your job. So, what would that look like?
I think most of the time we tell ourselves a lie about “not wanting to hurt” the other person. The lie that continues the perpetual pattern of not speaking your truth. But in my honest opinion, it has nothing to do with the other person. It is all about protecting ourselves. About staying “safe” in our comfort/misery/fear. We are terrified of the unknown and what having those conversations may mean or who may not “like us”. What would really happen if we spoke from our hearts. And if we are being completely honest, what we are most scared of is what may happen to US…not the other person. Which obviously doesn’t serve anyone in those situations. Let me ask you this. If your partner was feeling like they couldn’t be with you anymore, would you want them to stuff that down? To hold those feelings from you and just go through the motions, knowing deep inside the resentment continues to build? Would you want a friend that secretly feels like you are toxic for them and is silently figuring out ways to severe the friendship? As hard as those losses may be, would you really want the person to stay quiet because of fear? I know I wouldn’t.
Now, I’m not saying go tell your boss tomorrow you despise her or him and can’t stand working for them. But what if you just finally had a real conversation, from your inner being, speaking your truths. Being honest about what it really feels like to work for her or him. As I see it, there are only two outcomes anyway. Outcome one, she fires you, on the spot. You go home and are overwhelmed with fear and guilt for a few days. Then a couple of days later, you get a random phone call from a friend telling you about your dream job that just opened and…you get it. Or, outcome two, your boss, who was terrified herself of being vulnerable, thanks you for being so open and honest. In fact, she is so impressed, she is promoting you and you guys open up an amazing, commutative, relationship. You also now have your dream job.
Now, wouldn’t either of those scenarios be worth it? Wouldn’t all those fears you had made up in your mind be proven to be, of course, completely false? There’s something that Jim Carrey said while doing a commencement speech along the lines of, most people don’t know the difference between a dog that is chasing you in your mind and one that actually is in real life. This is why our minds can be so tricky and tempting to listen to. But the more you are able to just do “those things”, those things you are terrified of doing, of saying, of feeling, the more that the universe just opens up to you and brings more opportunity and joy into your life. I know this because I have seen it time and time again in my own life, when I have chosen to not let the dog that was chasing me in my mind to control me any longer.
I think this is what true vulnerability and courage is. To open ourselves up to the unknown. To do or say something without knowing what the outcome may be, but sticking to what we feel in our hearts anyway. To follow your heart unapologetically. To be willing to always go within and put a mirror to those sides of us we have tried to keep hidden for so long. And then share all of that with someone you love.
Because I have lived through it, I can tell you without a doubt that living in limbo or indecision is much more painful and heartbreaking than any outcome that may come from doing or saying those hard things. It is brave to make a decision to speak your truth. I couldn’t think of a better explanation for what courage is!
So ask yourself today, what have you been holding back? Is it time to tell your friend enough is enough? Is it time to choose you today instead of giving away everything you have to everyone else? Is it time to take the leap into the unknown of creating your dream career? Or maybe it’s just telling your husband you need more from him. Maybe it’s telling someone you are dating that you just don’t think it’s going to work. Or better yet, maybe it’s lovingly telling your sister to mind her own business:-)
Whatever it may be for you, I challenge you to get into the arena instead of just being a commentator on the sidelines. Be willing to get dirty and get the shit kicked out of you. Because the only way to feel the joy of mastery in your own life, is to be willing to step through the doors…
“Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do.” -Brene Brown
“It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for something you are not.” -Andre Gide
Coming out of the closet. What does that mean to you when you hear those words? Most people would assume it means someone who is gay or bisexual “coming out”….telling their friends and family who they really are. I recently watched an episode of American Idol and there were two young men auditioning that shared their own personal stories of being gay and the pain they have felt with fully living that life. One of the man’s father was a preacher. He had grown up in the church but knew at 9 years old he was gay. He even tried to “pray the gay away”, as he was raised with the belief that being gay meant eternal damnation. He lived with that secret for 10 years, giving in to the fact at one point that he would just never get to live the life he dreamt of. And even after finally telling his parents he is gay, they still will not accept or be ok with him living his truth. He was broken, and music was his only escape from the pain. The other young man had not even told his parents. In fact, he was “coming out” on national television and only when his family watched the show would they know his truth. He was raised in Israel and once he was able to get out of the house, he moved to California to finally be able to live an open and free life.
I tell these two stories because it hit me watching them that night that we are all coming out of the closet in some way in our own lives. We all hold that truth inside of us that we are scared to share with the world, with our friends, and most importantly, our family. I saw how that reflected in my own life and realized I had always been a “spiritual person” deep down inside. I had always known my own truths that I was too afraid to share with people. Always covering myself up with having lots of friends, staying busy, and doing what everyone else told me I was supposed to do or how I was supposed to live.
I think we all know our own truths at a very young age. What we are supposed to do in this lifetime and what our true purpose is. But that light gets diminished over time and we start to believe everyone else knows our truths better than we do. We start to learn how to hide in plain sight. We become very good at “adapting” and playing the lead role in the play of what life is supposed to like. At least I know I did.
For me, beginning my own journey of self-discovery became very much like coming out of the closet. People had always told me I was smart, deep, thoughtful, an old soul starting at a very young age. That I could do so much with my life. But their perception of “so much I could do with my life” was not the same as what I would learn to be mine. It wasn’t going to college for 4 years to get a piece of paper saying I was officially labeled smart. It wasn’t getting some big-time career only to work all hours of the day to make endless amount of money while dying a little inside. It wasn’t having a husband with 2.5 children, a dog, a cat, and a lifetime of keeping up with the Jones’s. Don’t get me wrong; I am not bringing down any of that. I’m not judging those that do those things in their own lives. I just knew it wasn’t meant for me. That isn’t my perception of doing so much with my life. Those aren’t my truths. But it took doing some of those things to shove me onto the path of self-discovery and really finding out, or better yet, remembering, what my truths are. And when I discovered that truth, who I really was, I came running out of the closet. It may have taken awhile to get the courage to turn the knob. But once I cracked the door, there was no turning back……
It was not easy for me to tell the world who I really was. To really own it. Own my truths. In fact, I am still discovering how to do that better every day. But I remembered something the other day that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. About six months before I left my marriage and began a new life, out of the closet, I remember watching an episode of Oprah’s super soul series. She was interviewing Diana Nyad who I didn’t really know at the time but for some reason she really spoke to me. This woman is amazing to say the least but it’s something in particular she said that changed the course of my life. She had broken the record for swimming from Cuba to Florida nonstop. I believe it was a 56-hour swim or something crazy like that! She had other medals for long distance swims, but that was definitely her biggest. She is now in her late 60’s and was talking about how she thinks about the end of her life more now. She doesn’t believe in a God necessarily….in fact she even called herself an atheist. But she said, as death gets closer, and she reflects on her life, she doesn’t care about world records, or medals, or how much money she has accumulated, or how much fame she has. What she thinks about most is the kind of person she is and if she is really proud of who she is and what she represents and HOW she has lived her life. If she really showed up. That hit me hard in that moment. I had started down this path months before I watched that and was becoming much more self-aware. I asked myself the same question in that moment. It was a big fat mirror in my face. And what broke my heart, was that I KNEW I was not living a life I was proud of. I was not being the me I was proud of. I was not proud of what I was showing my kids life was like….or better yet a lack of what life could be. I was not living a life of purpose. I had this inner deep desire to make a difference in the world, to make my life “matter” and I wasn’t living anything close to that. It’s one thing to tell your kids they can do anything they want with their life, and happiness is more important than anything else, and a whole other thing to actually show them. I knew I wasn’t showing them.
It took me another 6 months after watching that to “come out”. But the reason I am telling that story is because I thought about it the other day and asked myself that question again. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for MYSELF at that moment. Because I could finally really and truly say I am proud of the person I am today, the way I live my life, what I show my kids is possible, and making a difference in the world just by showing up! I live by example and most definitely live a life of purpose. It has not always been a walk in the park but what a payoff!
We all have our own inner demons, our shadows, our closest to hide in. But just by taking one step out of them, and living fully in our truths, we are changing the world. Because all those people we think are or will judge us? Those are just our own judgments against ourselves. And by taking that step, we are telling our insecurities, our own internal self-hate, our own bullshit, no more. You will not give in to the self created fear. You will not listen to those voices anymore. We will only listen to the voices that ask if we are proud of the lives we live. Diana was just a voice inside of me asking the hard questions, urging me to make a move. Even now, I sometimes find those insecurities trying to sneak back in. Trying to keep me from showing the whole world who I am and what my gifts are. To really own them and myself. But I am readier now than ever.
So, world, watch out. The door is open. And I’m running out of the closet and never looking back…
It has been almost three months since my last blog post and yet it almost feels like lifetimes. There have been so many changes internally and externally I practically feel like a different person!
I left my last post as a sort of cliff hanger for the next one regarding our Supernatural Tour. Since I can so easily get distracted that second post never came.
Because I would like to move on to some very important things I want to share, I’m going to stay with this short and brief description: Our Supernatural Tour was filled with complete LOVE and JOY. We made our way from Austin to Seattle and at every stop we were greeted with unconditional love, acceptance, and whatever help we needed to fulfill our mission of the trip! While we didn’t get as many interviews as I had planned, we created vortexes of love at every stop. We grew our “family” and made lasting relationships. We ended it in the most unbelievable way in Seattle, Wa with an amazing group of people, all together, in one house, for 2 days. We laughed, we loved, we cried, and most importantly, grew the energy of love. I realize now, THAT was my mission and purpose of the tour. To just be love and spread it at every stop we made. I’m so beyond grateful and humbled at all the amazing support and help we had to make that experience a once in a lifetime thing. And it certainly was!
Now on to part two…
I created a mind movie back in June of last year. If you don’t know what a mind movie is, I highly recommend looking it up and doing one. Basically, it is a live vision board. A movie you put together with music of your choice along with pictures and affirmations of exactly what you want in your life. Not only is it fun, it helps you to get VERY clear on what you want your life to look like. Most of the time, people can’t even get that step down. So they are subject to randomness in their life because they are too afraid to even ask for what they want. To get very clear on what they want. This is a great tool for you to do just that.
Anyways, I have since made another one, changing out some of the slides and different affirmations and music, but one slide has remained the same; “I help others through my blog posts”. When making this mind movie, I had been very active on my blog. Since then, many more doors have opened, other projects have come to front and center and my blog has taken a back seat. Which is why it is so important to continually update your mind movie as you expand.
In the past 4 days, I have received two very important emails from women that have read my blog. Women that are stuck in their lives and know they deserve more. I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place and my deep desire to help women that are in a similar circumstance as I was.
This is coming at the same time as a project I am putting together with my partner and my very best friend. It all feels way too synchronistic…
I have been doing A LOT of inner work in the last three months. I mean, really getting dirty. Stepping outside of my comfort zones, going to those dark places inside, and taking leaps into the unknown. It hasn’t necessarily been easy, but the experiences I have had since December 1st of last year are nothing I could have ever imagined in my wildest of dreams!
I can’t help to feel that it has all been to get me ready for this. To finally be ready to really let myself be shown and let what I have always known I had in me come out. To get beyond myself and my bullshit to REALLY affect others. Because it isn’t about me. It’s about the message of transformation and more importantly LOVE.
Through my experiences, I have come to realize that in the end, it really is all just about love. That is what we are all looking for and what we all want in our lives. Not love from another person; love for and from ourselves. True, unconditional love. But our programs, beliefs, and habits always get in the way and lead us to believe love comes from external sources. What a great way to keep us from looking inside where it has existed all along! I remember a quote from one of my spiritual teachers that went something along the lines of, “You want to be tricky, hide the divine in the one place humans will never look; inside themselves.”
There are MANY tools out there to help you move beyond those habits and programs. I am going to be sharing one that I am starting. But I will be the first and hopefully not the last to tell you, you should never stick to only one tool or one person that is teaching those tools. Use many. Use as many as you can. Expand yourself in every way possible. Keep digging to find that love inside of you that has always been there. If you dig deep enough, I promise you, you will find it. But we too easily can get trapped in comfort and habit. You find one tool that works, after a while, it too can become a habit. A program. Something for you to DO rather than to feel. A check mark off the list of things to do today.
Change is growth. Use something for a while to help you get rid of blocks, then add something else to it! If you aren’t in movement, you are stagnant. You can’t grow when you are stagnant. And remember, even the bad experiences are there for you to feel. We came here to feel those as well. Because it can get boring living in love and ecstasy all the time! We asked, Is there more, and that’s when more came. So, love those moments too. Know that you are experiencing them because you are ALIVE and that is all part of the experience. Because in the end, love transmutes everything! Nothing else can exist in love because love eats it all up. It is the very highest frequency. No disease, no bad emotion, no judgement, no hatred, no doubt, NOTHING can exist if you are in love.
With that being said, I know I am always guided to who and where I am supposed to be all the time. That doesn’t mean I always listen…. But I know that the compass is there inside of me, always, and it is up to me to listen to it or not. I have made some enormous changes in my life since September of 2017. Huge. But I have also gotten so much better at listening to my own internal compass, being open to where I am guided to be. Sometimes I haven’t understood why I was supposed to do certain things, but most of the time the answers come much later. When I am ready to see. And I now can see why certain people have come into my life and what I am supposed to do with them. I have always known that my partner and I were meant to change lives together. To spread the message of being able to jump into the unknown and trust in a future you may not be able to see right away. To spread the message of possibility and love.
There have also been an abundance of friends….or as I look at them, chosen family…that have come into my life since then as well. People that have held me up and loved me more than I could love myself in some moments. Held me and cried with me and laughed with me. Accepted me with no conditions. Those are the people I would choose every day for forever. I suppose I already have in many lifetimes before.
The point is, I have been lucky enough to also form partnerships in business with them and joined almost a team of transformation. Since I obviously am a strong believer in having many different pieces of the puzzle when it comes to tools, I want to work with different tools and techniques in assisting others to transform their lives. To find that love and connection inside of them.
So, I will be starting a 30-day, sort of a “scientific testing”….although that word is used VERY loosely! I will be working with my partners on this, to get an aspect of each of our teachings. The amazing part is, each of our three teachings build on each other. It starts with getting a new perspective on your whole world and life. A sort of paradigm shift in your reality. Then you will be led into a technique that will assist you in “cutting the connection” to old beliefs and emotions. The last step will include some heart opening and breath work to get the emotions out of your body. The three parts make up a sort of whole.
We’ll then host our first retreat in Cancun, where we will then add the Lucia light to the mix which will open up their connection to ourselves even more. Then we’ll go even deeper after clearing many old belief systems and stuck emotions.
My passion and dream and purpose in this life is to inspire others into change themselves. To show them through my living that it really is possible to live everything you want. To not have to live in fear or worry or stress or anything that keeps you from being happy. I feel I can do a small part of that by helping others with these seemingly simple steps. Change doesn’t have to be complicated. Love is not complicated. It is really very simple. You just have to be willing to take the first step.
I hope that you will join me in taking a step towards freedom in your own life. That you will say today, enough is enough. I am done with being a victim TO life and am 100% ready to become a creator OF life. There’s no better time for change then this moment…
Supernatural Tour: Part One
One of my teachers once said, everything you do in life, whether it be parenting, running a business, or just running your day, it all comes down to love and logistics. Our Supernatural Retreat was no different. It all came down to love and logistics.
Which brings me to part one. I’m going to start with logistics. While going into the tour, I knew the dates we would leave, the dates we needed to be at the finish line, and a few of the definite stops along the way and the people that may be at those stops, the rest was left to the unknown.
In fact, there were many unknowns jumping into this thing. I really couldn’t even tell you why I was doing it in the first place. Except for that I wanted to show my kids. I wanted them to see extraordinary people living extraordinary lives. People who may not live a “conventional” life, but that living that life is exactly what has brought them true freedom and joy. I knew I wanted to share stories of people’s healings with the world. But beyond that, it was just something that came to me in a meditation one day that I just couldn’t seem to shake. It was something my soul was calling me to do for some reason unknown to me. But I have learned enough now to know that when the soul calls, the body must follow.
So we officially started the tour off in Austin, Texas, staying with a woman we had never met for the weekend. We flew from the Philadelphia airport to Austin on October 19th. I had planned on us staying in an Airbnb near the airport that night as I knew it would be a little late coming in and if this woman had 50 cats, at least we would only have to endure it for one night!
Well she used her southern charm on us and apparently that is a very real thing. We decided to skip the Airbnb and take a lyft directly to her house in Kyle, TX. Well there weren’t 50 cats and in fact, despite our fears trying to work themselves in, her house was a little piece of heaven….as was she.
Saturday, we had a gathering of about 22 people. People came from hours away to join in on being a part of the tour. Originally, I had reached out to friends I have met through the work of Dr.Joe Dispenza. There is a big Facebook community online that people go to from all over the world that are practicing Joe’s meditations and teachings. That was a majority of who I was reaching out to, to try and connect with on our tour and get interviews from. I relied heavily on locals for reaching out to people in their area that would be interested in joining us for a day to meditate, interview, and just join in on the love and laughter.
Austin did not disappoint. There was only one person there (my friend that put the whole gathering together!) that we actually knew and the rest we had either met briefly online or hadn’t met at all. We meditated together, ate tons of amazing food, did some coherence healing meditations, and plenty of interviews. By the end of the day, as it always goes, we felt like one big happy family.
The next day we flew into Las Vegas to pick up our RV on Monday morning. Our little home that would be ours for the following 10 days. It was completely self-sufficient with a comfy bed, bathroom, shower, and fully operable kitchen. We were able to meet up with a very good friend of ours before heading off into the sunset.
From Las Vegas we drove to Sedona, AZ. We really only had one intention in mind for going to Sedona. We had both been there before, so it wasn’t the scenery. It was one particular person. A person we met one year before almost to the date! More on that in part two.
We stayed 2 days in Sedona, rode around some trails on a rented side by side, watched beautiful sunsets, and of course visited the famous church on the rocks.
From Sedona we moved on to Phoenix, Arizona where we met up with some amazing people. We gathered for a walking meditation on the morning of October 25th, followed by breakfast. We had some great convos throughout the day and gathered for a feast that night.
We hit the road early the next morning for San Diego, driving pretty much all day. It was a gorgeous drive and we were greeted by an amazing friend late that night. As it seemed to be the theme, we parked in her driveway that night and were so excited just to be able to plug in our RV….and have Wi-Fi!
San Diego turned out to be much quieter as I didn’t have much planned for our stop there. We were able to meet up with one Dr.Joe student who had made some tremendous changes in her life since we first met her in Santé Fe in February. She preferred to keep her story to just us for now, but stay tuned
We also had the pleasure of meeting up with another friend we hadn’t seen in a year and her adorable doggies. It was definitely one of our most favorite stops. As soon as you walked into her house, you could feel such warm and happy energy. It took over your whole body and you didn’t want it to end. Even the smell of her house was amazing. Her private little outside oasis with the San Diego sun and warmth was heavenly. One hour there was nowhere near enough time!
We decided the smartest move would be to avoid Sunday morning traffic in LA and drive that night. We left San Diego after a great dinner with the friend we were staying with and headed straight for Ojai, California.
We arrived in Ojai in the wee hours of the night, sleeping with our heads pointed straight downhill. Little did we know our friend’s house who we were parking at that night was on a fairly steep incline. Well at least it felt steep after all the blood had rushed to my head by morning:-)
We spent 3 amazing hours at our very dear friends house. To say her house is beautiful is an understatement. It reminded me of a very old Spanish hacienda mission style, but something the deeply spiritual would build. As soon as we walked into her house, both our bodies were buzzing. Literally. The energy was beyond this world and every nook and cranny felt like it held a secret. In knowing her, I knew she would probably have a pretty awesome house, but it was 100 times that. I completed an interview with her, and, yet again, it was hard to say goodbye. But our longest haul of the trip was inching close.
After leaving Ojai we were in for the longest stretch of driving. Ojai to San Francisco, driving up the old Pacific Hwy (hwy 1) the whole time. If you have never drove up that highway, I would most definitely add it to your bucket list. The views were something I have never seen before. The colors of the sunsets were so vivid and breathtaking. Literally it took my breath away. You can’t not believe in something beyond us when seeing sights like that. It truly is a spiritual experience.
We made it to the Nepenthe restaurant right outside of Big Sur late that evening and decided the parking lot would suffice for parking the RV to sleep that night.
We were to meet a group in Sonoma at the Benziger Family Winery at 2 pm that afternoon so another early morning rise and long day drive for us. From Big Sur to San Francisco it was again, spectacular views.
I have never been to wine country before, but it was BEAUTIFUL. The particular winery we met our group at is a biodynamic winery, which if you don’t know what that is, I definitely recommend you look it up. Pretty cutting-edge stuff and so inspirational!
We had a group of about 15 people to do the wine tour with and a short meditation before the tour. I only completed one interview while at the winery, but it was amazing. As was the theme, there was only one person there I had previously met and was friends with and the rest met for the first time.
We had dinner after our wine tour in Sonoma and shared some amazing stories and laughter. It was the perfect group with the most perfect people!
We parked that night in the driveway of the lady and her husband’s house that put the gathering together. And I am so happy to say now that they are both soul friends. After dinner the great conversation extended to their house and then again in the morning before leaving. As the theme became very common, it was hard to leave that morning.
It was supposed to be a short jaunt over to Sacramento to stay the night there but as it goes, traffic, side of the road naps, and finding a gas station that takes American express (in other words, the unknown!) seemed to throw some wrenches in that plan.
We arrived at my very very dear friend’s house in Woodland Park around 5 pm on Tuesday, the 30th. This was especially exciting for me because I had been waiting to see her and her family for over a year. She cooked an enormous meal for us and some other friends that made it over for dinner. It was a meal for God’s! Not to mention the amazing conversation and the closeness we all felt. So much so that I was too enmeshed in the moment to do any actual interviews.
Once again it was a very early rise before sun up and on the road again. Our last long stretch of the trip. We drove through the Redwood forest in northern California only to be greeted by the Pacific Northwest rain upon entering Oregon. We made it to an actual RV park in Port Orford Oregon and were beyond excited to stay somewhere with FULL hookups. It definitely wasn’t anything to write home about, but hey, after living in an RV for over a week, and sleeping in parking lots and driveways, the little things counted.
We got up the next morning and hit the road. We had plans to meet some friends in Olympia for dinner and it would be our last long day of driving. And even though it was nearing winter and we were driving half the day on the Oregon coast and the other half through central Oregon and then into Washington, it was beautiful sunshine and towering pine trees. While it’s no California coast, it is beautiful in its own Pacific Northwest way.
We met our friends for dinner in Olympia and of course, another great meal, great conversation and tons of laughter.
After dinner, we had yet another night spent in a parking lot and our last before sunrise the next morning to hit the road. We had to have the RV to northern Seattle by 10 am that morning and then it would be on to our final stop of the tour. Our big ending to our big trip.
After dropping off the RV we headed straight to the Airbnb we would be spending the weekend at. See, I knew from the beginning of our trip, Seattle would be more than just the final destination. It would be something magical. We would be surrounded by not only our closest friends but some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. But more on that in part 2.
We stayed in an Airbnb in Seattle for 3 days with 12 other people. The weekend was beyond words and after 2 weeks of being surrounded by complete love and light and then ending it like that, Monday night was a complete culmination of all of it. We had 2 of our closest friends stay with us Monday night at a very strange Airbnb near Olympia, Wa. We had dinner once again with some other good friends that lived nearby in Yelm Washington. But it didn’t matter where we were…it just mattered we were together.
Which leads to part 2. Love…
So I had planned on writing the first post (after over a month of not writing at all!) all about our Supernatural Tour and how amazing it was and everything I learned from it. And I will. But not today. Today it only seems fitting that I talk about what this day really means to me…how amazingly thankful and acceptful (that ones for you Simon!) I am for every single thing in my life. Good and bad. Which to be completely honest, there isn’t much bad in my life anymore. In fact, I really don’t believe in “bad” anymore. Anything that is uncomfortable or unpleasant is just there for me to learn. My teachers. So, I am grateful for those too today.
I want to start off by saying that looking back to a year ago, or even two years ago, I could never have imagined my life could be where it is now. I mean seriously, not even in my wildest dreams. I am literally sitting at an airport, on Thanksgiving, having a bloody Mary and tacos, by myself, and yet feel so completely full and whole and surrounded by love and family and happiness. And do you know how many times on many Thanksgivings I sat in a house surrounded by a ton of people and eating turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and yet felt so completely alone.
So today it’s not about the things in my life that I am thankful for. It’s the feelings. The feelings of knowing that I am surrounded by people that truly love me. Not for the person they need me to be for them, but for the person, or essence, I really am inside. And for the future me I strive to be. The feeling of knowing even though I don’t get to spend today with my kids, and there are many more days then not now that I don’t get to spend with them, we are closer than we ever have been. They get the best version of me and therefore I get the best version of them. They teach me how to grow. I am thankful for the feeling of complete and utter laughter we share when we are together…..a laughter we didn’t have much of before. I am thankful I get to have conversations with them about creating your reality and not being a victim but a creator and choosing to be happy regardless of what others do or say to you. And even more thankful they are brave enough to have those same conversations with their friends, even when it may be uncomfortable!
I am also thankful for the feeling of complete connection when opening texts from friends (or as I call them, chosen family) and seeing the simple words of I love you. And knowing it comes from their soul and not from obligation. I’m thankful for the feeling I get from the words, I am proud of you….and coming from the person I needed to hear it from the most!
I am even more thankful today for the feeling of knowing I get to fly back to the person I created. The perfect person, soul, for me. Just knowing that I get to have that person is overwhelming to me at times. There are too many feelings to even describe when it comes to him and our connection. In fact, there aren’t even words to describe some of the feelings. It’s that thin line between how did this happen to me and knowing I deserve him.
Which brings me to my last point. I am the most grateful today for me. That I can sit in an airport, alone, with my tacos and bloody Mary and feel so damn grateful. That I was brave enough to ask the question, is there more? That I can stare fear and judgement in the face and not give in to it. That I choose love over fear. And that even when I don’t, I want the fear again to get better the next time. I am thankful my soul woke me up. That I can see that every single experience in my life had and has purpose. I’m thankful for the feeling that I get to create my reality! I am thankful for all my imperfections because those are what continue to allow me to grow and stay in this 3D reality.
You see, I don’t believe in luck. I know I didn’t get to the place or with the person I am now from luck. I took several huge leaps into the unknown. I went to the dark places inside of me. I let go of many lifelong beliefs that held me back from my own greatness. I let go of people. I had many dark nights of the soul and sometimes still do….although they are more of moments now when they do come instead of nights. I went and still do go against tradition or the “norm” or convention.
I was in a much different place as far as feelings go two years ago. And because of all those scary things I did, I am thankful to me for doing them. For getting to have the feelings I do today. Is it always easy and rainbows and sunshine? No, most definitely not. But it is always worth it.
And that’s what being thankful means to me. That you accept the contrast, for its what makes you thankful for all the good in your life! If I didn’t have the contrast, I wouldn’t be able to know how amazing my life is now. And the people in it. Cause at the end of the day, THAT’S what life is to me. I could see all the beautiful places in the world. Have every “thing” imaginable to man. But it’s the people with me that make it all worthwhile, including myself. The person I am proud to be. The person I am proud to be a partner to. The person I am proud to be a friend to, a family member to. A mom to.
Today, I am acceptful and thankful of EVERY SINGLE THING in my life up to this moment and every moment after. Isn’t that why we came to this existence? To experience it all? To grow from it all? To evolve and to truly experience real Joy?
That’s my choice for today. And even on the days where I fall from grace. I am thankful for those days too…
“This moving away from comfort and security, this stepping out into what is unknown, unchartered and shaky- that’s called liberation.” – Pema Chodron
What does going over your edge mean anyway?
I wish I could say I was the brilliant one that came up with that catchy phrase, but unfortunately, I’m not that clever. Recently, my teacher, Dr.Joe Dispenza, completed a 7 day workshop in Toronto, Canada and the theme was all about finding your edge. I missed this one and it was a big miss.
He started doing these 7-day workshops at the beginning of this year, as opposed to the 4-day workshops he had done before. He changed the format a little and the most exciting part (well at least for me) is that he added some kind of a physical challenge to each workshop. And he did not disappoint with the one in Toronto.
This challenge would include scaling down a 35-story building in the heart of the city. There was something like 900 people out of 1000 in the workshop that completed the challenge. Don’t quote me on exact numbers. There are people that attended, and completed the challenge, that are in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. Some have life threatening diseases, some can’t walk without the assistance of a cane, walker, or a wheelchair, and some had a debilitating fear of heights…probably more than not. And yet instead of being a victim and getting angry for having to do it, instead of playing the blame game, or finding every human excuse to not do it, they decided to step over their edge.
After speaking with one of my friends that attended the workshop and successfully scaled down the building, it got me thinking about edges in my own life. As Dr. Joe explained it, the challenge had nothing to do with heights, at least not in the way most would think. It had to do with reaching an edge in your life and instead of taking one step further, just past your edge, you let fear win. You let your body control your mind, leading you to believe it is keeping you “safe”. And therefore, constantly holding yourself and your life back from true freedom.
I’m all about looking within and constantly trying to find my blind spots, but this gave that a whole new meaning. I have completed two different 7-day workshops this year and both of the challenges that came along with them. The first one was terrifying. A fear I had never quite felt before. And even though I knew I was “safe” the mind can really play some nasty tricks on you. But a 35-story building?? What a perfect opportunity to apply all the work he has taught his students! I actually found myself being a little bummed I didn’t get to that workshop and stand right on the edge. Right on my edge.
The thing is, I don’t think a lot of us need a 35-story building to reach our edge. Don’t get me wrong, that will definitely put it right in front of your face without being able to avoid it. But I think if we are brave enough to look, we can find many edges in our own lives. That spot where our programs and habits kick in with a vengeance and give our minds and bodies every excuse to not jump over the edge. Or even take a step for that matter.
It really got me thinking more about my edges. Of course some are easier to spot then others, but the big ones…..yeah I’m definitely aware of those. Those things we tell ourselves we can’t do, or are too afraid to do, or what if this happens, or that happens. We will always try and find reasons to talk ourselves out of it. And most of the time, have others convince us of the same! It brings me to the quote I have been reading over and over again lately. “Sometimes all you have to do is go for it. Take a breath and jump. Because here’s the thing, you can spend forever standing at the foot of the diving board, and you will always find a reason not to go in. It’s too high; it might hurt; you might swallow water; And all of those things are true, but you know what else is true? You’ll waste a perfectly good life standing on the edge when really the most beautiful thing you could do is go for it. Take the jump.”
In speaking about the challenge, Dr.Joe said something along the lines of, most people will get to that edge and not be able to calm their brain and body down because they don’t believe they can. That part really stuck with me. It amazes me how many people believe they really have no control of their minds and bodies, let alone their lives. They give up all their power and free will to programs, habits, and beliefs. Fear. And they convince themselves of not jumping by affirming that they could never do that because they are sick, or have no money, or will get fired, or end up homeless, or (here’s a big one) they will upset someone. All of those are just that. Excuses. Excuses to stay in their comfort zones, to not have to jump, to not have to actually take some control of their life. It’s much easier to stand on the roof and stay safe your whole life instead of ever having to really take a chance at life.
You can usually tell a lot about a person by how they let their fear rule them. We ALL have fears in our lives. Hundreds of years of conditioning and giving into fear and playing it safe. It’s what someone does with it that matters. That doesn’t mean you have to go scale down a 35-story building. It means you have to first recognize your own edges. See them for what they really are. Find what is REALLY holding you back in your life. Because I think you will find, it will almost always come down to you not wanting to step into the unknown. To finding excuses to not have to be great, instead of just good. And once you find that edge, staying conscious enough to not let a habit take over. To not let a program take over. And then taking just one more step.
We started our pre-supernatural tour in Long Island New York over last weekend. A group of us decided to do a ropes course so that those of us who didn’t attend the Toronto workshop could create an environment where we may be faced with our own edges. Everyone definitely conquered themselves in some way, but what I think we all realized the most is that it’s not even about our bodies not feeling safe. It’s about fear of failure, fear of what you may look like, fear of what may go wrong, fear of what may go right! We hold ourselves back in every way possible! So, while our ego’s may trick us into believing it’s about physical safety, it’s actually all about the fear inside our minds. And guess what….no one got hurt, no one died, the skies didn’t fall from heaven, and no one’s feelings were hurt. It was actually very thrilling!
It was definitely a much smaller representation of scaling down a 35-story building, but the point remains the same. Not giving into fear. Some may try and argue this point and recite all of the things that have gone wrong, could go wrong, and that those fears are “real” in situations like this. But their lives will always be representations of their limitations. Every reason why they can’t step over edges in their own lives. You want to fight for your limitations? Because I think all of those 900 people, many of which really did have every reason to fight for their limitations, showed us that we really can be limitless. We just have to make the decision to do so.
So go find your edges. Have a passion to want them to be exposed. Don’t fight for your limitations, fight to be limitless, even when everyone around you tells you you can’t be. Even when your own mind tries to tell you you can’t be. Just push past it a little. Stay in your heart and listen to that tiny voice inside that urges you to live life to the absolute fullest. Instead of finding reasons why you can’t do things, find the will to do them anyway. Take just one step past your edge. And see where flying may take you…
“Know the War within Yourself Before waging war or Before going to battle in any War with another. Engaging in such battles is Sure Defeat, Painful, inflicting Harm and Wounds on others. In doing this, they too must deal with your personal war, making it part of their own. You never know the enemy you engage until you know the enemy within first. Find that source, and the battle is Won!” -TeeHee
So, originally, I had planned on writing this particular blog post in a much different tone and topic. But as it works, divine intervention stepped in, once again, and sent me in a different direction.
I will be the first to admit, there are times I get frustrated with people who “don’t get it”. That continue to want to keep their blind spots hidden. That continue to say they create their reality, but when the rubber meets the road, they fall back into victimization and old programs. They forget they have all the power inside themselves…..not in anything outside of them. Which is exactly what I had planned on writing about.
So it seems, I got reminded of how truly difficult it really is at times to take FULL responsibility for your life. That can be a big burden to bear. And while it is also so freeing and liberating, it can be a mental challenge. I for one experienced this to a huge degree just recently. There is a common theme of a situation that has presented itself in my life in different ways since I was a little girl. My old program is to want to blame. To be a victim. To want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs while nobody seems to hear me. The difference now is I am completely aware it is a program. I know what is happening in my mind and in my body (my body always gets hit hard in these situations) and I can observe it. But….and this is a big but….it does not make it any easier in those moments when these programs try to sneak back up. In some ways it is worse because you are fighting against yourself. You can’t be the victim. You know what is happening, but your body is so use to being in control of your emotions, it is sometimes a moment to moment struggle. To continue to stay aware and try to gently let it move through you without getting attached to it.
I’m a strong-willed person. I put myself through complete opiate withdrawal on my own for God’s sake. I can usually let go of things fairly easily. Which is why I decided to write this post. As much pain mentally and physically as I experienced in the last couple days, I think about the people, whom I’ve had the pleasure to start interviewing, that were carrying a much bigger burden. And yet still had the strength and courage to not let the body win, to not let convention win. To listen to that inner voice deep inside even when everything around them was showing them not to.
I have started my pre Supernatural Tour with zoom interviews. They have all been with people I have met through doing the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. And while his work has changed my life, I’m in no way saying that is the only way. It’s finding something, anything, that empowers you. That allows you to take back the control in your own life instead of letting everyone and everything consume you.
I have had the honor of interviewing four people so far. I got to listen as they bared their souls to me and to the whole world. That alone is a feat in and of itself. I know personally how scary it can be to share your insides with the world, even when you know some, or a lot, of people will not accept it….or you. These people have blown my mind and inspired me on such a new level. I realized just how brave they really are. And all of those people out there that finally decided to take their life back into their own hands. Going against what many have been taught their whole lives.
From laying in a hospital bed, not being able to move one single part of their body and yet still knowing they put themselves there with their thoughts. To having a spine so broken and weak it can no longer hold up your body….and given really no hope for recovery. Because of course no one can rebuild bone right? Wrong. A woman given a cancer diagnosis that immediately refused any kind of chemo or radiation because she always had a feeling her healing would only come from working on her emotions and fixing herself within. Doesn’t sound like something they teach in medical school! And yet another that struggled with depression her whole life and most recently very severe….in fact, suicidal. But she had the fight to say I cannot choose that option until I choose to truly live first. To finally put myself first. Doesn’t sound like an antidepressant remedy to me.
These people have every reason to be a victim. To feel sorry for themselves and have others do the same. To blame God or whomever for the situation that was surely put on them. It is so much easier to play small. Which is exactly why I call this tour, Supernatural. Because there are hundreds, thousands, more out there that have also decided to not be normal anymore. In fact, being “normal” is what got them there. As my teacher once said, it is normal to be a victim and to blame. It is most definitely Supernatural to decide to do otherwise. Instead of blaming something outside of them, they decided they actually had the power inside all along. And there is no shame in that. We don’t know what we don’t know! But it’s in finally choosing yourself, in listening to that inner voice we all have, that starts to unwind the fear little by little. Just in asking the question, what if, they are braver than most people I have known my whole life.
The only reason I can get frustrated at times, and tell people to do the things I tell them to do with such passion is because I’ve seen it over and over again in my own life. I know first-hand the struggle of going against convention, of going against many who you love at times. To decide to not be a normal part of society. To not buy into any of it. It honestly makes me sad at times to watch commercials (on the very few occasions I have to!) or drive by huge billboards and think about all the millions of people that are “asleep” and all that information just goes straight to the back of their brain without any filter. They are so stuck in programs they have lost all control in their life. It really is like robots sometimes!
But these people had their lives on the line and STILL chose a different way. When fear was all they were presented with, they chose something else. And not just in a moment. But moment after moment after moment for years, some of them. To say, I am 100% responsible for everything in my life, is more courageous than I think most even realize. And many of these people had never been exposed to things like meditation or quantum physics or living a spiritual life. I know I was one of them. But yet that nagging voice inside just kept whispering until we decided to listen. Until that whisper became a roar.
To light a match in a dark space. I have heard that many times from Dr.Joe. But I never really understood it to the depth I do now. To go within is a very scary thing to do. To really put a mirror in front of yourself and to be truly honest with all the good and bad. To go to those places that you have kept hidden so far inside you didn’t even know they were there. It’s like wandering into a pitch-black cave not knowing the way out and having no lifeline but yourself. Those are the dark and scary places we have nightmares about. There are no such things as monsters except for the ones we hide in ourselves. And to be brave enough to stand up to those monsters and say no more? And to battle once and for all, all of your demons. That sounds like a superhero to me. That sounds Supernatural to me.
This tour also represents not just going into that cave once, but continuing to go back in. And each time you get a little smarter and you bring a small flashlight to leave there. And every time you go in, it gets a little less scary. You know your way around a little more with each expedition. Some of the cave is now fully lit. But, that cave will never fully go away, and it will never be all the way lit up. It is an evolution, a lifetime. Lifetimes.
Yes, it is so very brave and courageous to stand against convention and choose yourself. It’s even braver to continue to make that choice every day. I was reminded of this first hand just two nights ago. I watched the love of my life talk to a young kid that just admitted he was bisexual and was terrified to tell his dad. In fact, he had made the decision to not ever tell him. He felt it would do more damage than good. To hide himself. To hide who he really is. And as I watched my partner empower this young kid, to give him the permission to be who he is in the face of anyone, I watched exactly why this kid is afraid. Three men sat at the end of the bar (yes, we were in a bar) just behind Scott and I watched and listened as they whispered to each other such hate filled judgements about the conversation Scott was having with this young man. Fear. And for the first time in my life I really stood up to fear. I’m not so sure I did it with complete love…there may have been the word assholes thrown out…but I stopped their programs in their tracks. Surely, they weren’t used to a woman, let alone a 120 pound sweet lady, standing up to them. They mumbled something along the lines of they were just talking about the hockey game that was on, but they knew I knew exactly what they were talking about. Those 3 men are the reason that young, sweet, kind, young men have to live in fear. And hopefully I took a little bit away in those moments. Hopefully I shook them awake just a little to disrupt their programs…I know it did mine.
I was proud of myself at that moment. But I was even prouder of my partner, for speaking his truth and reaching out to help someone he just met to feel a little more love for himself. But mostly proud of this kid for being afraid to even utter the word, bisexual, but being open enough and brave enough to share with us. To not hide in those moments. And taking a small step into that cave.
People have called me brave for some of things I have done in the last year or year and a half. And maybe there is some of that there. But mostly I feel humbled. Humbled by the ones who have been and continue to be courageous. They aren’t movie stars or world renowned scientist or New York best-selling authors. They are big strong men, and introverts, and caretakers. They are you and me. They give me hope. They show me as hard as it may sometimes be going into that cave every day, the second you take a step out on the other side, into the light, it truly is a freedom and joy that I have never known in my life until now.
So be brave today. Stare fear in the face and choose love. Be courageous. Wake someone out of their program…or your own. You can live normal every other day. Today, be Supernatural…
Yesterday marked a year. A year ago, was the day I walked out on the old Emily and walked into Em. People may assume that only has to do with leaving a dysfunctional marriage, and quite literally detoxing myself, but actually it has everything to do with leaving a dysfunctional life. A dysfunctional life I started well before I met my ex-husband. It was years and years of building habits and beliefs that I was never good enough, I couldn’t control anything in my life, something was wrong with ME, I was different, I was stuck, the outside controlled my inside. My ex-husband and my life for 10 years with him was just a reflection of all those years of beliefs I had worked myself up to. He is a part of me and I am thankful to him to this very day for being the person that would walk me into this life, even though he may never look at it that way.
It was amazing to me to look back through my journal of almost 2 years ago when I first started writing in it. I had just found the work of Dr.Joe Dispenza and a whole world of quantum physics, spirituality, and the idea of our thoughts creating our reality. That I actually had some control of my life and that maybe something wasn’t wrong with me after all…maybe something was right with me. In reading back through the journal, it really did feel as though that was a completely different lifetime. I didn’t even recognize that person anymore.
After looking through all the lists of things I wanted for my life at that time and knowing what I know now and how much my life would change, I couldn’t help but feel so VERY grateful. I’ve realized in the last couple weeks that I have truly gotten everything I’ve asked for. I found the love I so desired not only in myself but in a partner. A partner I know we are meant to always find each other no matter what lifetime we are in. A partner I can’t even begin to say the words for how much I love him and how much he loves me and doesn’t let a day go by without reminding me of that. I found that love and happiness in myself. I found my confidence I believed I never had. I found that creative side of me that had lay dormant for so long. I found my imagination! I found my ability to create and manifest and just be in love with life. All things we come to this 3D world with but forget along the way.
It has definitely been a whirlwind of the last 2 years and while that seems like a very short time to be on a spiritual journey, it really feels like lifetimes to me. Like I have been doing this for a VERY long time. Yet still, I am constantly on that inward journey to learn more, to evolve more, to let go more. Some could say this kind of inward spiritual work has come to me more easily than others. I used to think that was a bad thing. That I needed to not be “so good” at things so I wouldn’t make any one else feel bad. In school I was always the one to get good grades without really trying. I had people, even friends, that didn’t like me because of that. I learned quickly on to not shine my light too bright so others around me don’t feel small and therefore don’t like me.
You see, the biggest lesson I’m being shown lately is the ego is a tricky bastard. It teaches us to hide our gifts instead of embracing them. It lends us to believe that who and what we are is not good enough….but then don’t be too good cause you will also end up alone and defeated. I had always wondered what my gift was that I was born with. What was I put here to do?? I think deep down I have always known but was too scared to ever admit it. To take the leap into “that kind of life”. A life of spirituality, of TRULY helping others not just on a surface level, but on a soul level. Of actually making a difference in this world. But as Jim Carey said it best, “We often make life decisions based out of fear disguised as practicality.” My whole life had been consumed with making decisions out of fear disguised as practicality. Until I no longer accepted that fear would rule me. That damn tricky ego would not continue to get the best of me!
Even in the last 6 months or so, my ego had me believing that I shouldn’t be helping people. That again, who was I to tell anything to anyone. That it was actually just my ego that wanted those things. See how tricky! But in the past few weeks, I finally really listened to that voice inside me (along with the help of 4 Lucia Light treatments…which will be on my next blog post!) and realized it was just my fear holding me back once again. I carry strength in what I have been through and hold a responsibility to other women to show them they really can live the life of their dreams and support them in doing so. And for them to not only hear my story, but the story of hundreds of people that have also decided to stop living in fear and dysfunction and take a leap towards the future they want and deserve. And not just once, but how they live that every single day. That’s not my ego…that’s my passion! And the crazy thing is, the more I have started to open that door and really embrace all of my gifts, the more things have fallen exactly into place for me. I know we all know what that gift inside ourselves is, but often continue to live by Jim Carey’s words.
As I have said many many times, I don’t believe in just putting words on a page or speaking glorious ideas to big groups of people. I believe in living EVERYTHING I say that is possible for other people. I practice what I preach every day. I hold myself accountable to the words I put on this screen. And I know that will be a never-ending journey….and thank God for that! This blog has helped me to stay present and conscious and continue to live the life I talk about through these posts. To hold myself responsible for living up to the fearlessness I so often talk about. So, in honor of that, I myself have taken more leaps into the unknown and will continue to do so in the next couple months. Taking leaps without knowing what the outcome may look like but trusting that inner voice. The same voice that walked me out of my old life of fear and into the new life of courage.
So, in just about a month, my boyfriend and I will hit the road for a Supernatural Tour. It will start in Austin Texas and end in Seattle Washington. The purpose of the tour is to share the stories of everyday people that have healed themselves and their lives through the belief of self-healing. People that have used meditation, workshops, and self-empowerment to truly free themselves. I want to shine a light on what we are all really capable of instead of living in a world full of fear where we put our power into everyone and everything outside of us. We will share these videos and interviews with the world, through our YouTube channel, of not only a one-time healing, but of living this life every day. Of the possibilities that show up for them once they started showing up for themselves. Our goal is to start a movement of self-empowerment. Of real connection. Of truly living love over fear.
I also just finished a women’s warrior coaching program I put together myself, modeled and created based off of my own experiences and the tools I used personally to create the life I have now. I have been extremely resistant to coaching….in fact I really don’t even like that word. But again, I realized there was a lot of fear underneath that. I had to finally shine a light in a dark place to see the ego for what it really was. And that was fear. I have had a passion to empower women for some time and I knew in my heart that’s what I am supposed to do. But calling people on their bullshit in order to really help them grow in a way they never have before is a tough thing to do…especially for me. I was always an “empath” (not fond of that word either!) and never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. I still don’t. But I have now realized a lot of that was again, just my ego trying to keep me trapped in practicality. A story I would tell myself to continue to be a victim and not have to really take any risks. I do no one a service by allowing them to sit in their story and continue to be a victim. That is not what I want for myself and it should be what I expect of others. So in standing in my own power I can hold space for the women I help to do the same. (You can click on the women warrior tab in the menu for more info)
And finally, my boyfriend and me along with a couple of very amazing souls are also in the process of putting together retreats. Spiritual retreats but with all sorts of fun along the way. I have also always known I’m great at bringing people together….and what better way to do it then bringing them from all over the world to come together in dance, light, meditation, yoga, love, and LAUGHTER.
I say all these things not to boast, but to show everyone that may be reading this, that you really can have everything you ask for. Everything you want. But as one of my great teachers said, “once you get all the things you asked for, it’s no longer about any of those things….it’s about who you become in the process.” That has always stuck with me as I continue to evolve who I am and maintain a strong desire to always go deeper. To find all those blind spots within me that I still have yet to let go of. While I have come a long way from the person I was 10, 15, 20 year ago, I know I still have a long way to go and that’s where the joy of life comes from! I am now very comfortable in the unknown and crave it. Because that means I am constantly creating and growing. We must always shine that light in those dark places. To ask for our blind spots to be shown. To challenge our fear and to not let the ego win. To me, this is how we save the world. Because the world exists inside of us.
I wish for not just every woman, but every person, to feel the joy I have felt. The love I have felt. The belly laughter’s almost daily. The connection, the grace, the energy, that have all come through me. The creativity and then seeing your creation unfold! It is my mission to show this to the world through myself and how I live my life. To create opportunities for others to find all of those things in themselves. To not allow all the placebos in their lives to take over their own empowerment.
And I couldn’t finish this post without saying how very grateful I am to the man that stands beside me on this journey. I can’t say enough how important it is to have support on this path, on your path. To have someone that doesn’t let you sit in your shit…but will also love you through it. Someone that will remind you of the light in yourself even when you can’t see it. He supports me in all my crazy ventures and in more ways than one! But most importantly, he supports me in being the person I am and seek to be. I created him, he created me, and together we have created this amazing life we get to live together.
So I ask you to not only join us in following the supernatural tour, but join me in taking a step today towards your own greatness. Towards not letting an old belief or program run you for just today. If I can change myself and my life this much in only 2 years, then anyone can. All you have to do is take the first step. I will end this post with a quote from an unknown author that fittingly showed up on my screen yesterday:
“Sometimes all you have to do is go for it. Take a breath and jump. Because here’s the thing, you can spend forever standing at the foot of the diving board, and you will always find a reason not to go in. It’s too high; it might hurt; you might swallow water. And all of those things are true, but you know what else is true? You’ll waste a perfectly good life standing on the edge when really the most beautiful thing you could do is go for it. Take the jump.”
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